A lengthy explanation of what kind of work I can do as your death doula

A lengthy explanation of what kind of work I can do as your death doula
Photo by Irina Iriser / Unsplash

I can write a sales page, but this is definitely not that. This is me being wordy about things that can be difficult to explain. There are many different kinds of things I can do with you, or hold space for them while you do it yourself. Some of these things are location-specific and you'll need to check your local guidelines for legal assistance (I am not a lawyer). Most of what's here can function as a list of ideas that can help you figure out what you want to do next.

If what you need first is to know how much it costs to hire me, please read the Pricing page first. Don't panic! I do my best to keep this work as accessible as possible.

Who is this for?

I'm here to support people working on end of life planning, people experiencing grief, people who are dying, and people who are looking for queer deathcare of some kind.

Future planning: paperwork and projects

We can work on gathering and filling out the legal and medical documentation that you want to have in place before it's needed: these might be last wishes, a will, a medical power of attorney, and copies of your vital records.

We can work on what is sometimes called a 'legacy project' – whatever seems to you like the way you want to leave something behind. This might look like putting digital photos, document scans, personal writing, and music playlists on an external hard drive, for your loved ones to keep and remember you by after you're gone.

Death planning: honoring your dying

We can talk through what you want for your last years or months or days, and this is a hard and beautiful opportunity to ask for what you need even as you are dying. Your death is important, as your life has been important. In all the ways we live and die, we deserve to be cherished; by our chosen loves, but also by our own selves.

Here are some ideas about creating meaning in and around your personal experience of this mystery:

  • A ritual for honoring your approaching death; how do you want people to enter your space so they can see you and tell you goodbye?
  • A boundary to hold; who is welcome to be with you and who is not? Which are the people of your heart? Write a guest list, even if not everyone can manage being with you near the end.
  • A permission to grieve; conversations with your beloveds, to tell them how you love them, to bind old wounds, to give them permission to not be okay that you are going away.
  • An honest reckoning with yourself of how you feel right now, and the bravery to accept what is.
  • A hope for peace for yourself and for your chosen family. A letting go of whatever will not be done, and a celebration of what has been done.

Death planning: plan your own funeral

Queer people deserve to decide what their funeral, or wake, or celebration of life should look like.

You can choose the clothing you want to wear. Make a weird dress code for your loved ones if they're into that sort of thing.

You can write your own obituary, or note down requests for whomever writes it later. You can disinvite people ahead of time if there are people that you do not want to be there.

You can decide to whom your ashes are given (with prior consent!), or what you want done with them, or what should be etched into your headstone, or a myriad of other things that have to do with the things you leave behind that are still very real and tangible for your loved ones.

Grief planning: navigating an ocean of feelings

This section is especially for people who already know they're going to need support while their person (maybe it's you) is dying, and after the death. You might start as a person accompanying someone that is doing end of life planning, and later you might be the person who is living with grief.

I am not a therapist or psychologist, so what I can do is what I've been taught in my clergy training. I can listen. I can hold space for big feelings. I can be the person you're able to talk to because it's easier to talk with a person who knows what you're going through but isn't emotionally involved in what happened.

When you're ready –

There's a Pricing page to give some ideas about how much any of this costs, because it's not just a one-price-fits-all situation, and most especially, I am doing my best to extricate myself from capitalism, so I work with people based on reciprocity, not on an amount of dollars.

Getting started is as difficult as sending me an email or a text. I'm neurodivergent and I know that this means it might be REALLY difficult, but I hope you're able to do it without expending too much energy. Honestly you could text me an emoji and that counts as starting a conversation.

Email: nix@everonandon.com
Text: +1 734 386 0537 (call & leave a voicemail or text)